I haven't updated for many moons now. Because life is pretty much perfect.
I've landed myself a job as a professional blogger. Although I don't get to write angrily about Bichelin and co, I do get paid for something I love.
Sadly for this blog, since my life is fab and I have no more foul housemates, there is no longer anything to write about.
But I will encourage anyone reading this now to go back and read my story from the start. You will laff your ass off.
And probably relate to it to.
I therefore dedicate this story to all of you who have ever had a nightmare pyshopath to live with. Or have been shat on by the human race.
To any potential publishers, drop me a line if you fancy putting this baby in a book.
xoxo For the final time
I saw Bichelin at the doctors today.
She is still a big fat ugly whore.
Somebody should tell her there is no pill for that. Then maybe she will give up.
As I have been signed off work, I will be properly updating.
The bitch is back oh yes she is.
We are both crossing our fingers that she has some horrid illness. Like cabin fever.
I hope she shaves her legs and it all peels off. And then she runs outside and a dog eats her face. Although it wouldn't make much difference.
Oh I got the juice. Just you wait. Tomorrow I will be uber updating. Work got juicy. More juicy than any housemate I have ever had. And I need to offload.
So sit back and wait 24 hours.
In the meantime, watch Grindhouse. Or the Hostel movies back to back. Despite people going "ooooooh hostel is well shit and borin' nobnobnob" it is bollocks. They are great movies. Those idiots just don't get them.
Must go. Despite telling the lady degus that they must not karate kick me as I am their mother and they should not karate kick their mother, they are still karate kicking me.
They must stop.
...on the feast of....well....chocolate. Since thats what I had last night.
I will be posting a sneak preview of the lovely new reference I've written for Assface early next week. So you can make any ammendments if you wish. Shit I can't spell.
It is the christmas meal of hell tomorrow night.
As with all work parties, there will be the following stereotypes attending.
The Boss: Will stay restrained and be keeping an eye on all employees to make sure there's no funny business. Despite it being a social event.
The slut: The office hobag who tries it on with each and every man. She wears the lowest cut dress and gets ridiculously merry with all the male coworkers. But not the female ones. She may also be the same person as our next stereotype.
The jealous bitch: She's hated you all year and makes snidy comments but tries to make it look like she's always nice as pie to you. She tries to out do you on your outfit and if she thinks you look slimmer, have bigger breasts, look at any men there, you will get her drink down your dress.
The miserable old scrooge: The one who will moan all evening. The turkey is cold, the crackers are rubbish, the wine is cheap, the window is open and its too cold, its too hot, the cream on the xmas pud is too runny.
The alcoholic: Yep. One night a year where you can drink a bit and they will go waaaaaaaaay over the top. They will say the most inappropriate things, get waaaaaaaay to inebriated and be too loud for their own good.
The lothario: The man who wants everyone under the mistletoe. Anything with a pulse is fine. Can get you into a lot of trouble.
So which will I be? I will be the evil manipulative cow in the corner, sipping the cocktails she has managed to coax the lothario into buying with her slutty dress, and pressing the buttons of each and every other person there until there is a massive fight and lots of shouting but I will be no direct part of so won't risk my job.
I'm serubticious about it. But watching Minge Trout making a twat out of herself is too good to miss. And seeing Little Miss Amateur Dramatics trying to maintain she has an eating disorder whilst stuffing her face with plate after plate of food and boasting about it to anyone who will listen is too much to resist.
And then whilst they are all trying to kill each other, I'll slip outside for a sneaky cigarette and another cocktail that will most likely be blagged from the barman, and chuckle to myself at the furor I have caused.
I love it so much. Tis the season to be naughty. I may even accidentally safety pin a dress or two to the chairs to cause more embarrassment. Or let slip that I know Little Miss Amateur Dramatics has been lying about her frequent absences. I mean, who goes out clubbing after major dentistry?
She ate all the breadsticks at work last night. Which fucked up me making the party buffet for the kids. One breadstick each. Except one breadstick was more than we had. Because she took about 7 and went off to scoff them. Yep, she has an eating disorder alright. She's an unrestrained greedy pig bitch. Minge Trout goes on and on about how she has to stay away from the buffet because its bad and then stands there eating all the party sausages. If you are hungry, how about eating lunch you skab.
I'm babysitting tonight. One 9 year old who'll be in bed by 8.30 and his big sister who I'll watch girly dvd's and paint my nails with like my sister.
My sister will also be doing half my tour with me this festive season so please say hi to her too. If you drop in and see us. It will be most amusing to see our readers, and it's ten times more fun talking about the foul housemates with an audience.
Adieu for now.
I suck for not updating for ages and ages and ages. Christmas is a pile of sheize because it always sucks the life out of me. Plus other things have been going on which are far too dull and personal for here. This is not an emo blog.
The elephants moved out. Like completely. The locks have all been changed. Looks like they basically left and then stopped paying rent. So the landlord changed the locks. I so should have done that to the foul housemates. Changed the locks and barricaded ourselves in the house.
The christmas tree is up in the flat. Although for over a week it was without tinsel as I couldn't afford any and the old stuff I gave to the kids to make xmas cards with.
The Endless Student has disappeared. I am currently compiling a list of ways he screwed over his placement and will be sending it to them shortly.
As for Assface, well, the plan is in motion. Short of blowing up an entire area of Scotland this should scupper him good and proper. For those who are not LJ friends, don't worry. I never got around to writing down the plan. Too much stuff to do right now. But lets just say he won't have a job after xmas. Boo fucking hoo. I'm not so much sabotaging, more sending an honest reference. Since the Boy was forced to write him a reference for after he left our shop, and did a really nice one despite the fact he is a lazy sciving nasty piece of work. Assface that is, not the Boy. Now I am going to send an honest one. Including some lovely snippets of what he was doing on the days he was meant to be at stocktake; the day that every staff member is required to come in. No matter what.
Anyways, I may seek out his address and send a doggy poo through the post. Him and Fuckface and Whiny fat lesbian friend have made all their facebook profiles private. How strange. Not. As I always say, there is nothing to identify them on here but they appear to be ashamed of the fact that somebody might regonise their heinous actions and send them hatemail.
There is always material though. Always. They are so naive if they think I will just stop writing. Although recently I have been a lazy fucking bum and not written shit all.
But apart from that, work is a pain in my proverbial arse. Minge Trout moans and complains constantly, spending £30 odd every month on a gym membership yet complaining about having no money. She's always got money to go out. And she lives in a council flat for crying out loud. She gets everything paid for her.
Little Miss Amateur Dramatics likes to tell everyone and anyone who will listen that she has a terrible eating disorder, bla bla bla, and she needs so much time off work, bla bla bla. The usual. And she nearly got caught out too. Minge Trout saw her out on the town getting a christmas dinner, right after she'd phoned in to say she couldn't come in cos she had the dentist. She blagged her way out of it by saying it was cos she had to get her wisdom tooth sorted and couldn't possibly get an appointment any other time and it was soooooooooo painful. SO painful she could eat the skanky dry old stuffing and turkey dinner she got for free at her other job. And so painful that she went to the dentist and came to work within an our of the appointment with no trace of any anaesthetic in her gums. When I had my teeth done I couldn't speak for 4 hours. If it was that bad she'd have been in way longer. And it was all free according to her. I asked her if she had a HC1 form and she said no, it was just free and she didn't really know why. She blatently wasn't at the dentist. It was all a rousse so that she could have her free xmas dinner and take her time getting back to work. As bloody usual. And she nearly didn't come and cover my morning hours too. She made a big fuss on how she needed me to trade her wednesday for my friday and then wasn't even going to turn up and leave me to do it. I phoned, left a message to "remind her she was doing tomorrow morning" and said nothing else. I enjoyed my morning in bed and thought no more of it. She eventually came in. After getting my message and not getting through to my phone cos I had it turned off so she couldn't get out of it. Mwahahahahaaa! I win.
Anyhoos. I must leave thee. But I resolve to post a lot more. Because there is so much gossip I have yet to post I cannot believe it.
PS: I am touring about over the festive period. The 20th December I'm at the Annesley House Hotel in Norfolk (Norwich I think), I'm in London on 24th (location yet to be confirmed), Bournemouth on 28th/29th (again date to be confirmed) and Southampton on 31st December at Flares nightclub. If you are out and about, come party with us.
The elephants have gone! I felt quite bad actually. The man who was living upstairs saw us coming in and came up and said "I'm so sorry if there is a lot of noise. We have a baby and he likes to throw stuff about."
I made out like there was no problem but he said they were leaving monday. And they have. No more elephants. Or baby elephants.
I'm such a meany. Glad I didn't do anything to their doorbell now. *blushes with shame*
We've spent many days going through pictures we took at the zoo and identifying various animals. Who would have thought wed get so angry about not knowing what this bird was called.
It ended up being a seriema. Grr took me ages of looking through hundreds of South American birds to work it out.
And who knew there was a bird called a Chaco Chachalaca. Weiiiird.
Anyhoos. I have a lovely christmas plan for Assface. But I will make a secret friends only entry about it later as I wouldn't want to spoil it for him. I want it to be a suprise. :)
Since we moved there has been no sign of the Endless Student. Still haven't got around to ringing his placement and telling them he was stealing from them. Have been ill with various flu-like cold things. Have also had some scary health scares. Too much to think about.
We did see Dickwad though. Still with his sap of a girlfriend. I can't believe she let him stay for all that time at her parents house. If they were my parents, they would have thrown him out. Sponging scrounging little fuck.
In other news, the binmen are being pricks. The wonderful council decided that four industrial sized bins was waaaaaaay too much for an apartment block with 12 different flats full of people. So they replaced it with 7 or so individual normal sized wheely bins. And they now collect every two weeks.
The bin area has been piled high with black bingbags because the bins just aren't enough for that many people. It's like saying that everyone in Disneyland has to use one wheely bin for all their rubbish. It just doesn't work. They think it makes us recycle more. Apart from the fact that I can't be fucked to spend all that time removing tops from bottles and rinsing out tins and taking off labels just to recycle them when the Boy and I both have jobs, the binbags that have built up because there aren't enough bins areblocking the recycling bins so you can't get to them. Idiot council. I don't know why I bother paying council tax. It's a waste.
At work, Minge Trout is worse than ever. Yesterday she took a day off work and is taking today off because lots of people took days off sick recently and she wanted one too. I took a day off because I couldn't get out of bed and felt like ass. Rock Girl caught the flu. And we all know Little Miss Amateur Dramatics likes to take week after week off work. So without any warning or even phoning in, Minge Trout took the day off. And there was nobody to cover. So we struggled.
At least I had some peace though.
Meanwhile, Little Miss Amateur Dramatics revelled in telling parents in front of their kids that she had an eating disorder. The most inappropriate thing you can do short of getting your tits out that you could do in front of an 8 year old.
I despair of these people. And the worst thing is that I have to spend a whole evening with them on the 20th. Staff night out. Yep. I would rather stab my eyes out with pins. However, it should be fun being the wind-up merchant. I love the fact I know which buttons to push.
I like buttons.
And I love pushing them as hard as I can
I think they have some kind of Wii game or something in the Elephant flat since they seem to jump around at all hours now.
Finally got the degu back in after 3 hours and much swearing. We are very tired. Had to take the whole room apart to get her back.
But we did think of revenge for the Elephants.
If they continue to stomp about all day we are going to tape down their buzzer. At first I will just press it at silly hours of the night when I go for a ciggy. Then we will tape it down so it is permanently on until they stop their stomping.
Har fucking har.
That'll teach them to mess with me.
In other news, I have not quite got around to screwing over the Endless Student yet. The plan is I phone up his placement and anonymously tell them exactly what he has said about what he thinks of his work and that he nicks stuff from them. Except I have been busy lately. Hence not many updates. Plus the internet has gone screwy recently.
I have another plan for Assface too. But that will happen later.
Off topic: Yay Heroes is so good. And Sylar is uber fit. They should bring back Mr Muggles and Mohinder the lizard though; there are not enough animals in it. And Elle is gone. Now I won't get to admire her until the next season of Gossip Girl. Hoom.
Nope not Bichelin. The people who live upstairs. Everyday between 8.30am and about 9-10pm at night they thunder about. The pace of the footsteps suggest they are running up and down and up and down their flat with huge boots on, in a sort of stompy flat footed manner.
And it goes on and on all day.
Its actually driving me a bit mad. It goes on and on all day and the only way to drown it out is to put the tv on.
A notice was actually quite cheekily put on the door to the bottom flats (it may have been on the other flats too but I'm in no mood to stomp upstairs and check) saying "Please respect other residents and keep noise to a minimum and keep communal areas tidy. Thank you for your co-operation"
Despite the appalling spelling (the original sign said "communial" whatever the fuck that is) I felt that it couldn't possibly be aimed at us since I never slam the doors and the tv always goes off at 11pm or is on quiet. But since up until the day before the notice went up there was only us and the family next door living down here (and they are practically silent!) it doesn't give us much hope.
So why is it that we get a note, and the elephants upstairs continue to run up and down all sodding day? Friday I am out the house at 6.30am and have to do an hour walk to work and an hour walk back on very little sleep and I cherish the couple of hours I get when I come home at 11am. But I have to have the tv on to drown out the stomping or I can't get any sleep at all. It takes the fucking piss, it really does. And my bloody bike is still broken thanks to the little fucks that vandalised it.
Not funny at all. Grrr.
In other news, we've had more amusing hatemail. Like the individual (yep I know who you are sweedy, your the only ones who post crap; you and your mateys) who sent me a comment saying that the only people who read this blog are people who "know what I'm really like and all their mates".
Funny because I believe you are referring to Assface and co who are the only ones who take umbridge because they recognise themselves being cunts without me even putting names or locations. And if they have several thousands friends in 15 different states in America and several locations in Austrailia, Kuala Lumpa, Korea, the Caman Islands, Cuba, Germany, France, Finland, Norway and China, then I'm finding it quite hard to believe that they are the only ones reading this.
Odd that. I don't think Assface or DIckwad or Bichelin and co have any friends, apart from each other it seems. And a few weirdo loners who have nothing better to do. It's their own fault for being assholes. If someone wrote a blog about fictional events then I'd not go "ooooh that must be about me". But if they wrote about a 20 something animal lover who had loads of pets and a fetish for Hollyoaks then maybe I'd have a suspicion it was me. But only an incling. I'm not a psychopath who thinks the world is all about me.
Shit a degu just escaped.
So after being ill, and hungover, and other stuff, I figured I should write something.
Inspired by Assface the cockmuncher of cockmunchers on his loser hill walkers site, I thought I'd present some awards for things that have been achieved this year.
The award for stupidest person of 2008: The Endless Student. He really is the most stupid person I've ever met.
The award for worst slimmer; Bichelin. Closely shared with Whiny Fat Lesbian Friend
The award for the saddest fucking loser of all time: Assface. He is such a loser I couldn't possibly sum up his pathetic little life any better.
Ugliest munter award: Fuckface. Because it appears a bus may have run over her face for fun. 6 times. And then reversed.
Award for the most owned person of 2008: Now this was hard. Because Bichelin got seriously owned. But it has to be Dickwad. He was due in court for a £1000 speeding fine last time I noticed.
Most prolific lying scumbag of 2008: Assface won 2006 and 2007, closely shared in 2007 with Dickwad, but this year the award is shared with Bichelin and Whiny fat lesbian friend (who really needs a better name before people think that I hate lesbians. Which I don't). Both are lying scumbags. Although WFLF (whiny fat lesbian friend) actually should have won it in 2006, but I have decided to award it to her this year instead.
Biggest bitch of 2008: Yep. I win this one. Because although Bichelin was a bitch, as were most people we had to live with, nobody could EVER outbitch me. I am the uber bitch. And that's why I always win.
Naughtiest pets of 2008 go to the female degus as they have managed to destroy their water bottle by chewing through metal wire and throwing it from the wall to behind their log cabin. BAD LADIES!
Now I have to make a new one.
Any more interesting catagories (such as most Piss Consumption of 2008, or most hair removed with a single use of my crazy hair removal cream shampoo concoction) then please suggest them with some nominees.
Will update more this week as I'm not hungover.
Send me some email.
It entertains me through the dullest nights.
And Whoever that is at the Warner Music International Services Limited please do send us some comments. It is nice to see that we have such a wide ranging audience.
In other news, I have to go to work.
Loves you all
I hate snot. It makes it worse because there is a herd of elephants living upstairs. Finally got our on demand tv sorted. And the sofa. Could finally relax. Apart from being ill.
Didn't go to work yesterday. Had a fever on Sunday night and a wopping headache on monday morning. So I stayed in bed. And drank tea. Loads of it. Still ill today but have to go in. Otherwise Minge Trout will moan even more. I'll probably get some sarcy comment today from her. Or several.
And then there's this crappy meeting as well. I just can't WAIT for that. Not. I'm only going in today so I can pick up my cheque. Having no money sucks penis. People suck even worse.
God I hate people. Even with my own little flat that I can retreat to with the Boy away from the psychos, you still get the pain in the ass people following you around. It's sad. Skankoman has littered all outside the apartment block again. There's all empty Maccy D's packaging everywhere. And apart from that I am still angered by the Endless Student. And Bichelin. Little things just remind me of the shit we had to put up with.
I go in the shower and the smell of the shower gel pisses me off. And when we ran out of olive oil the other day, it just gave me flashbacks to when the little cunts were using all our stuff.
We had a discussion about the sofas in our previous houses last night and how in these student digs there seems to be a standardised use of these two blue sofas from argos or someplace. Every fucking house. Well, the ones I've been in anyways. The Boy had one that had spikes sticking out of it. They never realised for a while and were sitting on what they thought was the nice sofa until one got an assfull of nails. And then the other one was covered in mouse droppings. I love mice, but the fact they were running round his house was pretty bad.
It may make for interesting reading. The skankholes he lived in. Before we were together, he just got minging houses. I only ever got the minging housemates. Then together we ended up with both. It seems ever so slightly unfair.
I don't know how I end up with the freaks though. I seem to attract weirdos. They only ever seem normal for like 5 minutes before it turns out they are uber paranoid compulsive liars, or arrogant fucks who think they're entitled to whatever they like, or just plain psychotic. Or all three. I'm just too trusting. I feel sorry for them. So I let them hang around for a bit. And then they sort of attach themselves to me. Like limpets. But I'd rather have a limpet. Because they suck everything out of you. And you end up hating everyone because they've screwed you over so much.
And then it's all down to who can spread the rumours fastest. They spread as much lies and tripe about you so that people take their side and then won't listen to yours. And that's why this blog is here. It is a tool to vent. The people who go "Oh everyone knows you are talking about me!" don't recognise themselves because they are the same height as who I am describing. Or that I've used real placenames and plastered their name all over the net. It is because they know that they have been nasty fucks. They recognise what they've done. If it is "lies" or "bullshit" or whatever, then they wouldn't recognise themselves being painted here.
So take note Assface. You recognised yourself cos you were a spiteful smelly fuck. Fuckface is an ugly spoilt sour old bitch and she recognised herself. Whiny fat lesbian recognised the fact she's a lying cow and actually tried to send me emails justifying why the hell she lied and made up bullshit instead of trying to deny it. But I never mentioned who any of these people are.They just knew. I never leave evidence. Just to make damned sure it stays a mystery. But they know who they are. And I hope they feel fucking terrible about what they did. Except they won't. As they have no conscience. They just keep on saying to themselves that they are right. I'm, afterall, just some psychopath that didn't agree with them. I MUST be someone who just lies for the hell of it and should be locked up in an assylum. But if there are no names, then why so angry? Why try and justify yourselves? Maybe it's because other people will recognise what you did.
The person who is worst of all though is Bichelin. She murdered my ratty man. I will never ever forgive her for that. Ever. I've blocked out the day he died. I only remember him now when we were our happy little family. But deep inside I hope she pays for what she did.
Because Karma is a bitch like that. A real bitch. And she bites your ass in the nastiest way possible. I've had bad luck my entire life, and I believe it is because when I was 4, I bit my headmaster when he was trying to help me. Then again, there were two kids who bit the shit out of me and banged my head against the wall at playgroup so I may have been paying for a past life there. Or maybe I got continued bad karma because when I was 9 I was meant to be collecting daisies with my sister in my nans garden and instead we filled loads of jamjars with water and put bugs in them and then put the lids on and shook them until they died. Maybe that was it. Or when I stole toffees from my mum and tried to flush the papers down the loo to hide the evidence and they floated without me knowing and my mum found them. Maybe it was all of those things. I don't know. I guess I'll never know really.
I think I'll probably pay for one thing though.
Last week, when I was making food for the kids at work, they were sat down eating their fruit and cheese and toast and I suddenly spotted some cucumber on the top shelf. I knew it was where the miserable old music teacher kept all her resources. She's always horrible to us. The staff I mean. Like we don't have a valid purpose in life. We're a waste of time and space to her. I showed the kids and they all laughed. Then I said "Ok kids, don't tell anyone. We'll hide them in this box and let the music teacher find them". They all hate her. The kids do. So they all giggled and agreed. If she gets annoyed then I'll take the blame. But it was that active stance the kids took against her. That tiny thing. It made then feel good. And that made me feel better.
I hid the bits of cucumber in a box. Not before one of the kids older sister took a pic on her phone of it. And we had a damned good laugh. I am going to pay for that. Really pay. But that makes me happy.
I must leave you now. But I will update later as Tuesday nights are very barren on the old tv front.